Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey...Stuff

Never did I expect to fall in love with this show!  I just finished watching all of the old episodes from 2005 until now (I started watching just before Christmas).  Now, when I think, I hear myself with a British accent. Haha.  Thanks, Dad!  I should have been watching all along... 

I'm feeling a little better today, spirit-wise.  I had a nice weekend with Mark and the kids, and reading all of the messages from so many great friends and family members on here, Facebook, and through text and phone messages really helped me know that I am not alone. A kind word goes a long way. :)

xoxo
Jenny

Timey Wimey

I decided I am not going to apologize for not writing more, because then I will be apologizing every post! Haha, so when I'm up for writing, I'll write.

So, I have been on the transplant waiting list a year now. I think hitting this "one year" milestone has really messed with my head.  I don't really like life on dialysis right now.  The newness has worn off.  I haven't gotten used to the uncomfortably-full feeling I get every night.  My dialysis nurses said I would, but six months later, it hasn't happened yet. I am also a little on the petite side, so that much fluid in me is really too much, and not fun at all.  

I know I shouldn't hope too much, but I couldn't help myself.  First, I was hoping to have a transplant before I had to start dialysis.  Then after I started dialysis, I hoped that the transplant would come soon afterward.  I feel like I am out of hope now.  I have braced myself for the long haul, and if a transplant comes sooner, then I'll be pleasantly surprised.  Well, at least every day I am working my way little by little to the front of the list.

I have been pretty positive throughout this whole disease, but BAM, all of a sudden I see the one year date and I feel like my spirit is broken.  I know I shouldn't let it affect me like this, but dialysis is hard.  I don't feel well.  I have little energy for the day-to-day stuff.  I haven't really paid attention to my appearance for a long time now, and all of a sudden I really don't like what is looking back at me in the mirror.  I am gaining weight from the dialysis fluid and not being active.  Because of this, I am the Queen of Stretchy Pants, but you can just call me the Queen for short.  I have no muscle tone anymore.  Just holding my arms in the position to type at my desk makes my arms feel so fatigued.  *in my Queen voice*  "Carry On!"

I think this is just a phase, this funk I'm in.  I am praying for this to pass.  And I am trying so hard to not let anyone see that I am crying on the inside.  But I'll get past this, I know I will.  My kids need me.  No matter how bad I feel and how much I look forward to bedtime (my bedtime), when I hear Hayden ask me "Mommy, will you snuggle with me?" my heart melts and I will not let wild horses (or my bedtime) drag me away from our nightly snuggle time.  I get into bed with him and we talk about our day.  And we always pick our dreams for the night together so that we will be in the same dreams at the same time (his idea).  Hayden reaches his hands up in the air and grabs the dreams that he wants, then he puts the dreams into his head (through his ear. And he keeps his other hand on the other ear so the dreams don't "fall right out."  Of course!)  He makes me catch my dreams too, but sometimes he notices that I don't catch the right ones, so I have to throw it back and wait for it to come back around and catch it again.  His favorite dreams usually include police cars and rescue vehicles and Doctor Who.  God, I love that boy!

Anyways, I think I am allowed a little bit of woe-is-me on this first anniversary of being listed on the transplant waiting list.  I hope there isn't a second year anniversary.  See.... there I go hoping again.  :)  I'll be just fine.

P.S. Bonus to anyone who understands the title ;)